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The winners
Marco Melandri, Fortuna Honda, 10 out of 10
If TV wanted to run a list of the hardest people on the planet, Marco ‘Captain Scarlet’ Melandri would certainly come top. We all thought the worse when Marco tumbled through the gravel in Spain. We thought the horse of the paddock would end up in a paella later that week, but Melandri, who must eat rusty nails for breakfast followed by drinking acid for lunch, raced, and was competitive just four days later. Excellent. Shergar has won two races and an army of fans for his Nolan adverts and sheer talent and lunacy. Certainly, better than Haystack could ever do.
Nicky Hayden, Repsol Honda, 9.5 out of 10
Who would have ever thought those sentences would ever go together? Winner and Haystack? Back in the day, or the day after Jerez, you would have been laughed out of the Forum for saying that sort of sediment. You’d have to have eight toes, four fingers, a mauve neck and a cousin/wife that looked a lot like you ro even think it. But now, with Randy Mamola-type performances, he’s nearly got it. You can say what you want, but the Konsitency Kid nearly has his third thumb on the World Championship. He’s done well, and won two races, but you can’t help but think that the World title shouldn’t go to someone who doesn’t think that ‘overseas’ is a place over the Mississippi river. Or something.
Danni Pedrosa, Repsol Honda, 9 out of 10
Can he do it? Please let a proper World Champion steal this title. The third smallest thing in the paddock (the smallest being Ellison’s talent, then Pedrosa’s personality), Mini-P, Thumbelina, The Flying Atom, That Miserable Git, Puig’s Close Friend. The rider of many nicknames has produced some stunning rides this year, already winning twice and smiling once. He has ridden better than anyone thought, but is less interesting than a Formula 1 race, followed by a dinner of steamed vegetables then an evening of watching Nascar and Big Brother. But, bit good though, isn’t he?
Valentino Rossi, Cursed Yamaha, 8 out of 10
It all went wrong at the start. Thought by Fat Toni to be a mustard covered treat in the first round, Rossi has been on the receiving end of all of the bad luck in the world. Previously, all of The Doctor’s bad luck was concentrated on his awful hair. Now, like grease from an unwashed Italian, it has seeped through into Rossi’s season. Just when you thought he was getting back on track, he breaks down, then he falls off, then he breaks down again. The result? Haystack wins the title. Yeah, thanks for that Vale. Still, his now-back-to-a-nail Yamaha has treated us to his proper genius. His win at the Sausagering was awesome, but that’s all that has gone right this year. He looks like losing his the World title that he has kept since 1768. And to top it all, he’s got to go home to Ucio each night.
Carlos Checa, Dunlop Yamaha, 7 out of 10
Older than Rossi’s haircut, he has made Ellison look even worse. Excellent.
The losers
Colin Edwards, Cursed Yamaha, 5 out of 10
We all thought he had done it. Who didn’t want the Texan Rising Humidity to win at Assen, he didn’t, and worse still, he let Haystack win. To you and me that is like winning a Lottery ticket and then seeing it set fire to by a red-neck. That’s a bad day at the office. It’s tough riding a Yamaha, and even worse being Rossi’s team-mate (imagine all those ‘bars’ he’d want to take you to). With Edwards’ usual 5th place just a dream, expect the Texan Tornado to return next year, in the more sedate pace of WSB. So, just like Goose from Top Gun, he’ll be written out of the MotoGP script and end up in something that no one cares about.
Toni Elias, Fortuna Honda, 4 out of 10
We expected more. A year on Pedrosa, Fat Toni’s hefty frame (that takes four team mechanics to shoe horn into his leathers), has spent more time in the sand than a German tourist. He needs to lay off the Tapas or he’ll be doing Suzuki Burgman adverts for the rest of his career.
Randy DePuniet, Kawasaki, 3.5 out of 10
Another one who has failed way below expectations, the original Crazy Frog has gone the way of the ring tone. Awesome on a 250, and capable of beating Thumbelina on a good day, DePuniet’s only claim to fame this year is that he was punted off by Rossi at Le Mans. Named after Randy Mamola, he has even lapped slower than the stars and stripes, microphone glove-loving two up Ducati rider. Hopefully he can get his garlic together in the second half of the season and give his Ladyboy team mate a harder time.
Jamie Ellison, Dunlop Yamaha, 1 out of 10
Enough said. Expect him riding in a classic bike series next year.
