Chuck Norris

[eppe]

Med andra ord gör Mr. Seagal de mest orginella actionfilmerna...

 

[morlock]

1.A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you
know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this
man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was
a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

2.When you open a can of whoop-***, Chuck Norris jumps out.

3.Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

4.Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the
man ate a ****ing Indian.

5.Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated
her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know
him as Superman.

6.Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they
attack.

7.Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him

8.Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

9.When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

10.Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them

11.Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a
birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth.
Thats why we celebrate Christmas

12.One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick
Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely.
Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months
later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly
what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

13.Chuck Norris declared war on the color orange. And won.

14.Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six
sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse
kicks; he just loves eating crackers.

15.Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing
that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

16.Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

17.It is believed that Sir Arthurs legendary sword Excalibur is actually a
strand of hair from Chuck Norris’s Beard.

18.Chuck Norris refers to all money in terms of the number of gumballs he
could purchace. If you ask him how much a gumball costs, he will stare at
you so hard your soul will die and your penis will fall off.

19.Chuck Norris declared October 16th official beard day. If you dont have a
beard he will hunt you down and roundhouse kick you into the ground. This
will in turn cause earthquakes in India.

20.Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually
a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

21.On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel
Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the
table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her.
After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck’s magnificent lead
sperm cannoned into Cindy’s womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and
roared, “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting
split open by the Chuck!?” All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same
thing happened at the other ovary. “I didn’t ****ing think so!” shouted the
lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck’s balls.
Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, “Don’t
ever waste my time again.”

22.Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course,
to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate
of the actors he fights.

23.Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit.
On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere,
streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An
embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a
beer.

24. Chuck Norris’s beard is 30 seconds older than he is.

25. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck
Norris for every answer.

 

[morlock]

Eftersom jag var inne på mr. seagull ( ) tidigare så måste jag posta den här också.

Nån lustigkurre som postat på Dolph Lundgrens hemsida som Steven Seagal. Kul svar av Dolph.

steven segal

Dear Dolph,
I see you got yourself your own little website. Interesting. Seems like
you have much time on your hands nowadays after I beat you in the 1994
Sexy Olympics. Maybe your fitness career will be successful, doubt it. Not
as successful as my amazing singing career, its doing wonders in Swahilia.
You were amazing in Rocky, its too bad they didnt choose me to fight you,
that would have been even more amazing! Please do ntake offense if I am
better than you. I will see you around, maybe in the dojo or maybe at a
bar. Gotta love those bar fights, see you dolph.

Dolph Lundgren:
Good luck with your weight-loss program, Steven! Doubt it'll work ....


http;//www.dolphlundgren.com